Goodbye Criminal Intent!

I remember the first time I got hooked on Law and Order reruns. It was the summer of 2001, My parents had just purchased a new tv for their bedroom, and I ended up inheriting their smaller, shitty tv, with missing buttons. If I wanted to change the channels, I had to poke a pencil into the crevice where the missing buttons used to be. Yes, we were ghetto, why do you ask?

This whole button issue was annoying because if I was feeling too lazy to get up and manually poke around., I would just end up watching things I had zero interest in (Toy Story 2, random music video's by canadian "artists"). One day I was laying around watching Biography, and afterword, a Law and Order episode had come on. I was instantly hooked. I was exposed to the crusty badassery of Lennie Brisco, the insanely good looking Benjamin Bratt, and Claire Kincaid and the worlds sexiest geriatric, Jack McCoy. Of course after the events of Aftershock, I was left hanging when Claire was fatally injured, but I was also annoyed by Curtis's philandering with a young chippee (a young Jennifer Garner)- thus I felt Law and Order wasn't the same for me. However, I kept watching the reruns faithfully until Abbie Carmichael joined. Then later on when, Jerry Orbach died, I decided to quit watching altogether. Dennis Farina did nothing for me (sorry Dennis, nothing personal).

Then came SVU and the reruns on USA. The plotlines were emotionally griping, the cast was great; Munch and Fin, Olivia and Stabler, topped with the icy sophistication of Alex Cabot- I was sold. However, one can only handle so many stories of rapes, molestations, and child abuse, so once again, I quit watching. It was a brief two-month affair. I haven't watched it since.

Then came Criminal Intent. I had always noticed it, but never really paid much attention to it. All I knew was that it was about fancy schmancy crimes such as extortion and art thefts. I knew it starred Vincent D' Onofrio (what was he doing on tv?) and some blond actress I had never seen before. However, I decided to watch it as a lighter substitute for SVU. After seeing Gina from Sesame Street nearly get it on with a woman wearing the craziest and most obvious wig that ever wigged, I was hooked. Add in the sheet psycho genius of Nicole Wallace = was in love. Megavideo uploads became my crack.

Then I began appreciating Robert Goren and his crazy, vaguely savant-like ways. His character occasionally suspended disbelief. He went from knowing obscure details to knowing freaking everything, however, he was still more interesting than his counterparts in the Law and Order-verse.

And then there was my love for Kathryn Erbe's subtle, but steely portrayal of Detective Alexandra Eames. She proved to be way more easygoing than the near hysterical Olivia Benson. When she was kidnapped, instead of just hanging there waiting for a white knight, Eames actually reacted like a real cop with real police training, and got herself the hell out of there, killing every trapped damsel in distress stereotype I have ever seen in the process. Eames spouted off one liners, joked and seemed to actually have fun with her partner. She was just plain cool. Also, after seeing her in Oz, I'm torn between wanting her to be more famous, or hoping she'll do more underground character actor stuff, keeping her my own favorite secret that only the cool kids know about (much like how I feel about Gemma Atherton and basically every other unappreciated person and thing here in the states).

And then there was the epic chemistry. Even in later episodes when D'Onofrio appeared, shall I say...a little fluffy and sedated, he and Erbe brought their A-game as far as chemistry was concerned. The secret looks, the ability to almost read each others minds was really something else. Whereas on SVU, Olivia and Elliot were constantly at odds and/or purposefully ignoring each other, Goren and Eames maintained a professional distance, yet worked extremely well together for being complete opposites, they complimented each other well.

As the seasons went on, I went from thinking they should be partners in the professional sense only- to thinking that there is something more there- to thinking they are discretely hooking up on the side. The bar scene in the sixth season episode "Albatross" convinced me that they'd been hooking up together Kincaid/McCoy-style. The fact that they order drinks like it ain't no thang, and Goren ambiguously asking her if things were "ok" with them sealed the deal in my eyes. Not to mention the fact that Goren practically puts his interrogation skills to use, twice asking Eames if she had slept with the lawyer, Kevin Mulroney. Even though at that point, the audience was shown that Goren clearly didn't need that kind of information, considering he already knew who the murderer was, as well as the motive (and someone else pointed out he had evidence: those receipts!). In the end, her answer only really mattered to him. Read into that what you may.

"You slept with him?"

Anyway, now I hear Goren and Eames are exiting the show in next years season premiere. I am completely pissed. First of all, this ain't Law and Order Original Recipe. D'Onofrio and Erbe have stayed with the show for nearly a decade, whereas Original Recipe only had Jerry Orbach and S. Epatha Merkerson lasting that long. SVU and CI are different because they have relied on the same characters and built a fanbase for them for nearly 9 years. Of course, there are rumors that the NBC Umbrella is under new management, and the new guard wants to get rid of all of the old guard, which included E.R. and all the Law and Orders, which sounds kind of crackpot-esque to me, but believable. Either way, someone is getting killed in the season opener, and while it was reported that Eric Bogosian's character Captain Ross was going to be killed, I have a strong suspicion that they are going to kill off Eames. Anyway, it doesn't matter, because I am never watching after they leave anyway, and I will take episodes Faithfully and Lady's Man as stray "lost" episodes. The rest of season 8 can GTFO and die in a fire as far I'm concerned.

With D'Onofrio releasing a statement about how he could appear again in some capacity, I'm getting a "Eames dies" vibe with Kathryn Erbe's "no comment". Hopefully Erbe is just pissed about how they were treated (I don't blame her). I wish USA/NBC would've just grew some balls and ended Criminal Intent, without sensationalism. Then given Jeff Goldblum and Saffron Burrows their own generic Monk-meets-White Collar-meets-Psych clusterfuck of a show (ala Boston Legal), since that's what they are obviously trying to accomplish here. It will turn into a show that people leave on in the background while napping, much like what L&O: Mothership has become (and the aforementioned Boston Legal.......and Monk).

My ideal scenario? Goren and Eames get involved with the international case of pirates pirating illegal terrorist shit orsomethingorother (bear with me). Something blows up, with Captain Ross inside. Goren and Eames get recruited to work together on the Homeland Security taskforce. Then in a shocking twist! a piece of throwaway dialog reveals that Goren and Eames have been secretly fucking all this time. The end. No more. No less. See? I don't ask for much. I'm pretty sure it would please the people who want a happy ending, and it would please the people who only want srs bsns only, because hey, the show would be over and those no-romo's (ancient geek phrase for no romance) can choose to ignore that snippit of dialog.

Either way, au revoir Goren and Eames. And Ross. And Wheeler. You guys were being wasted anyway. On to greener pastures you go.