Something I Noticed

While I was posting to the imdb boards for Criminal Intent (yes, I know! for shame! I like the lowbrow and take the low road from time to time), I got to thinking about how I have never liked any fctional Serena I've come across on tv (OTOH--Williams and Altschul, you girls are fine):

Exhibit 1:


Name: Serena Southerlyn

Portrayer: Elisabeth Rohm

Reason for Hateration: Being so stiff and horrible that she was officially christianed "The Rohmbot" by The Internet (originating from TWoP).

Real Not-So Rational Reason for Hateration: She was the first blond A.D.A. in a history of brunettes (Richard Brooks, Jill Hennessey, Carey Lowell, Angie Harmon).

Exhibit 2:



Name: Serena Celia Van Der Woodson

Portrayer: Blake Lively

Reason for Hateration: In a nutshell: she has a case of marble mouth, is an adultress, slept with her best friends boyfriend; is not very bright (she thought she killed someone....when she really just witnessed them accidentally overdose). Instead of making things happen, things happen for her -- a huge sin in fiction and literary terms.

Real Not-So Rational Reason For Hateration: She's not as awesome or as interesting as Blair.

Exhibit 3:




Name: Serena Stevens

Portrayer: Saffron Burrows

Reason for Hateration: Cold, stiff, and lifeless. Her main entrance began with this line: "I respect the heriarchy." Did I mention she's fun at parties?

Real Not-So Rational Reason (s) for Hateration: She and Nichols horned in on the Goren and Eames going away episode, angering many fans; she's not as awesome or as interesting as Eames, Wheeler.....or even Falachi.


In summeration, televisions Serenas are all a comely bunch, long limbed for the most part, but just missing that vital 'something' or 'it'. All in all, if you name your fictional character Serena, be forewarned.

Be Forewarned: The Following Post Contains Snide Bitchery (Yes, another CI Post)

I finally watched a new episode of CI just to see what I am missing, and wow.....apparently I am missing a whole lot of half-baked plots, dark, plodding atmosphere, and overall mediocrity. I went into it with an open mind, I didn't want to be one of those angry CI fans that refuses to move on -- anger requires a lot of energy. I'd rather spend it on other more worthy pursuits.....like drooling over Alexander Skarsgard.

Anyway, God and Insects wasn't completely horrible, the plot was a little far-fetched and stretched thin (especially with the Iraq war angle), the cliche of sending Stevens posing as an escort and coming back to the applause of the squadroom was cringe-worthy in its cliche-ness, but overall, it wasn't anything especially bad or wonderful either. So I give "2010 and beyond CI" ** out of ***** stars.

One of the things I ruminated over while watching it, is how much I like Mary Elisabeth Mastriantonio and the gentle grace she delivers as the captain -- this just stood in stark contrast to the fact that I don't love Nichols and Stevens as a team. I feel they lack the chemistry of Goren and Eames, as well as Benson/Stabler, Briscoe/Logan. Hell, they are not even on par with Falachi/Logan as far as I'm concerned. I think it's more a yin/yang opposites issue, since Stevens and Nichols tend to be like-minded. It's like having nothing but salt/salt, and this show is in desperate need of some pepper to spice things up and makes things interesting.

Another thing that is bothering me: I was reading another blog last week, and we were all bemoaning the loss of Eames, when another poster butted in and suggested that maybe, just maybe USA didn't think the show was "pretty" enough -- suggesting that they swapped Erbe for Burrows for these very reasons. I have to disagree. For all of the age talk, Erbe at 43 is not that much older than Burrows at 38, and also.......am I the only one who yelled out "Damn Africa what happened?! upon seeing Saffron not long ago? She used to be SO beautiful, and I don't know if she actually had plastic surgery, but obviously something is going on, and I am not sure what it is, and I don't think I want to know.

Alas, all of this bitching and mean-girling still does not bring back my favorite pocket-sized detective....

^She looked so lovely and regal, I had to screencap it from my crappy megavideo stream of Loyalty II

So yeah, not into Burrows/Stevens. Which leads me to another rant: I'm not into Nichols either. Nichols just seems a little too old school (and not in a good way) for my tastes. Like they transplanted him from the 70's or something. I remember in one episode from last year, he kept referring to a victim as "that black kid". Now, I'm not exactly crying racism, but it just brought me back to that episode where Goren and Eames are talking to an overprivileged witness and had this little exchange:

Random Girl: He was you know... really black.

Goren: You mean like obsidian?

That my friends, is the difference between Goren and Nichols. Whereas Goren is weirdly cool, Nichols is just....odd and old school. Plus, I prefer the working class backgrounds of Goren and Eames (here I go again with my Goren/Eames love...and I said I wasn't biased anymore! Pfft!) Plus, even when he was fat, Vincent D'Onofrio still brought the quiver. Goldblum? Sure, the laughs and fun, but the quiver? Uh...no.

So that was my experience with the Goldblumized CI. I still think they messed up big time, and I feel that Burrows is all wrong for the show. If they were going to incorporate her, they should have had her as the posh, slightly sexy new A.D.A. instead of a cop. Stevens is still a coldfish at this point, maybe they'll flesh her out, maybe they won't. Maybe Saffron will get better. Maybe she won't. In the mean time, Nichols is still missing a proper counterpart, someone to make him bearable. But really, Burrows is just more wrong, piled on top of a TON of wrong.

Goodbye Criminal Intent!

I remember the first time I got hooked on Law and Order reruns. It was the summer of 2001, My parents had just purchased a new tv for their bedroom, and I ended up inheriting their smaller, shitty tv, with missing buttons. If I wanted to change the channels, I had to poke a pencil into the crevice where the missing buttons used to be. Yes, we were ghetto, why do you ask?

This whole button issue was annoying because if I was feeling too lazy to get up and manually poke around., I would just end up watching things I had zero interest in (Toy Story 2, random music video's by canadian "artists"). One day I was laying around watching Biography, and afterword, a Law and Order episode had come on. I was instantly hooked. I was exposed to the crusty badassery of Lennie Brisco, the insanely good looking Benjamin Bratt, and Claire Kincaid and the worlds sexiest geriatric, Jack McCoy. Of course after the events of Aftershock, I was left hanging when Claire was fatally injured, but I was also annoyed by Curtis's philandering with a young chippee (a young Jennifer Garner)- thus I felt Law and Order wasn't the same for me. However, I kept watching the reruns faithfully until Abbie Carmichael joined. Then later on when, Jerry Orbach died, I decided to quit watching altogether. Dennis Farina did nothing for me (sorry Dennis, nothing personal).

Then came SVU and the reruns on USA. The plotlines were emotionally griping, the cast was great; Munch and Fin, Olivia and Stabler, topped with the icy sophistication of Alex Cabot- I was sold. However, one can only handle so many stories of rapes, molestations, and child abuse, so once again, I quit watching. It was a brief two-month affair. I haven't watched it since.

Then came Criminal Intent. I had always noticed it, but never really paid much attention to it. All I knew was that it was about fancy schmancy crimes such as extortion and art thefts. I knew it starred Vincent D' Onofrio (what was he doing on tv?) and some blond actress I had never seen before. However, I decided to watch it as a lighter substitute for SVU. After seeing Gina from Sesame Street nearly get it on with a woman wearing the craziest and most obvious wig that ever wigged, I was hooked. Add in the sheet psycho genius of Nicole Wallace = was in love. Megavideo uploads became my crack.

Then I began appreciating Robert Goren and his crazy, vaguely savant-like ways. His character occasionally suspended disbelief. He went from knowing obscure details to knowing freaking everything, however, he was still more interesting than his counterparts in the Law and Order-verse.

And then there was my love for Kathryn Erbe's subtle, but steely portrayal of Detective Alexandra Eames. She proved to be way more easygoing than the near hysterical Olivia Benson. When she was kidnapped, instead of just hanging there waiting for a white knight, Eames actually reacted like a real cop with real police training, and got herself the hell out of there, killing every trapped damsel in distress stereotype I have ever seen in the process. Eames spouted off one liners, joked and seemed to actually have fun with her partner. She was just plain cool. Also, after seeing her in Oz, I'm torn between wanting her to be more famous, or hoping she'll do more underground character actor stuff, keeping her my own favorite secret that only the cool kids know about (much like how I feel about Gemma Atherton and basically every other unappreciated person and thing here in the states).

And then there was the epic chemistry. Even in later episodes when D'Onofrio appeared, shall I say...a little fluffy and sedated, he and Erbe brought their A-game as far as chemistry was concerned. The secret looks, the ability to almost read each others minds was really something else. Whereas on SVU, Olivia and Elliot were constantly at odds and/or purposefully ignoring each other, Goren and Eames maintained a professional distance, yet worked extremely well together for being complete opposites, they complimented each other well.

As the seasons went on, I went from thinking they should be partners in the professional sense only- to thinking that there is something more there- to thinking they are discretely hooking up on the side. The bar scene in the sixth season episode "Albatross" convinced me that they'd been hooking up together Kincaid/McCoy-style. The fact that they order drinks like it ain't no thang, and Goren ambiguously asking her if things were "ok" with them sealed the deal in my eyes. Not to mention the fact that Goren practically puts his interrogation skills to use, twice asking Eames if she had slept with the lawyer, Kevin Mulroney. Even though at that point, the audience was shown that Goren clearly didn't need that kind of information, considering he already knew who the murderer was, as well as the motive (and someone else pointed out he had evidence: those receipts!). In the end, her answer only really mattered to him. Read into that what you may.

"You slept with him?"

Anyway, now I hear Goren and Eames are exiting the show in next years season premiere. I am completely pissed. First of all, this ain't Law and Order Original Recipe. D'Onofrio and Erbe have stayed with the show for nearly a decade, whereas Original Recipe only had Jerry Orbach and S. Epatha Merkerson lasting that long. SVU and CI are different because they have relied on the same characters and built a fanbase for them for nearly 9 years. Of course, there are rumors that the NBC Umbrella is under new management, and the new guard wants to get rid of all of the old guard, which included E.R. and all the Law and Orders, which sounds kind of crackpot-esque to me, but believable. Either way, someone is getting killed in the season opener, and while it was reported that Eric Bogosian's character Captain Ross was going to be killed, I have a strong suspicion that they are going to kill off Eames. Anyway, it doesn't matter, because I am never watching after they leave anyway, and I will take episodes Faithfully and Lady's Man as stray "lost" episodes. The rest of season 8 can GTFO and die in a fire as far I'm concerned.

With D'Onofrio releasing a statement about how he could appear again in some capacity, I'm getting a "Eames dies" vibe with Kathryn Erbe's "no comment". Hopefully Erbe is just pissed about how they were treated (I don't blame her). I wish USA/NBC would've just grew some balls and ended Criminal Intent, without sensationalism. Then given Jeff Goldblum and Saffron Burrows their own generic Monk-meets-White Collar-meets-Psych clusterfuck of a show (ala Boston Legal), since that's what they are obviously trying to accomplish here. It will turn into a show that people leave on in the background while napping, much like what L&O: Mothership has become (and the aforementioned Boston Legal.......and Monk).

My ideal scenario? Goren and Eames get involved with the international case of pirates pirating illegal terrorist shit orsomethingorother (bear with me). Something blows up, with Captain Ross inside. Goren and Eames get recruited to work together on the Homeland Security taskforce. Then in a shocking twist! a piece of throwaway dialog reveals that Goren and Eames have been secretly fucking all this time. The end. No more. No less. See? I don't ask for much. I'm pretty sure it would please the people who want a happy ending, and it would please the people who only want srs bsns only, because hey, the show would be over and those no-romo's (ancient geek phrase for no romance) can choose to ignore that snippit of dialog.

Either way, au revoir Goren and Eames. And Ross. And Wheeler. You guys were being wasted anyway. On to greener pastures you go.

The Most Fabulous Bitch to Come Along Since Bette and Alexis

Dorota: But those are your friends.
Blair: Then invite strangers. I have to present myself as a crown jewel, surrounded by other smaller, slightly flawed gems, but quality stones nonetheless. And try to round up a couple of people who can vote so it doesn't feel like a total high school party.

Nate: So you're happy with Chuck. Don't I deserve to be happy as well?
Blair: Trust me, Nate, I know women, and none of us are that nice.

Vanessa: You really think you're better than me?
Blair: I think we both know the answer to that.

Blair: Dorota, these martinis taste like tap water. Don't be a scrooge with the gin!

One of my favorite Blair scenes ever is the one in Enough About Eve:

Blair:I've never been Bette Davis before. I'm Audrey Hepburn! Not some plain baby Jane.

Chuck: We both know this is about NYU. Now it may take time, but one day you will hold that school in the palm of your dainty hand.

It's great because it's so hilariously contradictory. Blair, with her all of her entitled privilege, diabolical feuding around (and over-the-top outfits), obviously could not be more different than Audrey Hepburn. It's reminiscent of Joan Cusack's Malibu Barbie tirade in Adams Family Values:

"The day comes, I open my presents, and what did I get? MALIBU BARBIE! That's not what I wanted, that's not who I was. I was a ballerina! Delicate! Graceful! ..."

Enough with these boring "it" girls!

Just about every other female my age watches this borefest called The Hills. It follows four girls in their early twenties as they party, hook-up and feud in LA. It should be interesting, but it's not. We never really get a peek into their lives, the conversations, the fights, the romance always has that unnatural feel to them, as if they were staged by a producer. The girls are all one blur of tan skin and blonde hair, with the occasional brunette version of them thrown in. The boys come in "pretty boy" or "slimy K-Fed lookalike".

The star of the show, the Marcia Brady lookalike Lauren "L.C." Conrad is our heroine. This is one of the main problems I have with the show. Were supposed to root for because eons ago (on another "unscripted" reality show), Lauren's crush, Stephen chose to date another girl, Kristen. Kristen was cute at first, but soon became obnoxious and annoying. Thus, the show devolved into a Jennifer Aniston/Angelina Jolie sort of rivalry, with the fans splitting into Team Lauren or Team Kristen. Most people seem to be a member of the former team.

In reality, (real reality), Lauren is probably the girl many would have hated in high school. A snobbish, rich, cheerleader type who, when in charge of making up a seating chart for her high school graduation, decides to put her and her friends together in the front row. She claims to have an interest in fashion, but she mostly wears yawn-worthy ensembles such as black flip flops and jeans, with a black tank top.

This chick too vanilla to be interesting. She's got friends, but if I ever had to converse with these people on a regular basis, I would probably shoot myself or die of boredom. Audrina, the shows only brunette, is the major stunner of the group, comes across as dim most of the time (she's also rumored to be a cokehead). Audrina hooked up with some shady dude that looks like a greasy lounge lizard version of Johnny Depp, who ironically, once abandoned her in Vegas- literally, he flew home without her and left her to fend for herself. Whitney works at Teen Vogue with Lauren, and there's not much to write about her, other than I love her name. Heidi is Lauren's ex-best friend, she and her boyfriend helped spread a rumor about Lauren having a sex tape. Their confrontations are like watching two plants have a disagreement.

The people on Laguna Beach/The Hills and the rest of MTV's reality shows, are disapointing. It's as if they walked out of a Bret Easton Ellis novel. It's almost like a race of Stepford people. We rarely see them have any meaningful conversations, that don't aren't awkward or rehearsed. They care about things like who saw who at whatever club last night, and non-existant sex tapes. It's almost scary to watch. It's not enough that we have Paris Hilton.

From Bret Easton Ellis's Less Than Zero:

"But I thought you were going out with Warren," Kim says to Blair.
I glance over at Blair.
"I was, but I'm not 'going-out' with Warren," Blair says, missing a beat.
"You were not. You fucked. You didn't 'go-out,'" Alana says.
"Whatever, whatever," Blair says, flipping through her menu, glancing over at me, then away.
"Did you sleep with Warren?" Kim asks Alana.
Alana looks at Blair and then at Kim and then at me and says, "No, I didn't." She looks back at Blair and then at Kim again. "Did you?"
"No, but I thought Cliff was sleeping with Warren," Kim says, confused for a moment.
"That might be true, but I thought Cliff was sleeping with that creepy Valley-turned-punk, Didi Hellman," says Blair.
"Oh, that is not true. Who told you that?" Alana wants to know.
I realize for an instant that I might have slept with Didi Hellman. I also realize that I might have slept with Warren also. I don't say anything. They probably already know.